La Conner Weekly News - Your independent hometown award-winning newspaper

By: Patricia Bonacic (aka the DONALDoppelganger)

Dear Mel and Ken,

I am writing in response to your respective editorials printed about me in the La Conner Weekly News last week. The newspaper had evidentially been used to wrap up shrimp, and other such fish, and was mailed to a White House aide for his birthday. He brought it to the attention of Jared who then immediately directed it to me. It stinks to high heaven, let me tell you!

I have never heard of La Conner but, judging from your advice and analysis of my presidency, I am seriously considering sending in my armed troops to knock a few heads together, once they have cleaned up The CHOP Erogenous Zone in Seattle. Meanwhile let me set you straight on a few things so you begin to appreciate the greatness and quantum intelligence of my presidency: the likes of which have never been seen in this country, in the history of the world, or in other worlds and galaxies soon to be exploited by my Trump Space Force, of which I am the Commander in Chief, Supreme Leader, AND Starfleet Admiral!

Let me cut to the chase, because I learned from the best! From a man who has no fear, no boundaries, no conscience, no scruples … none other than Mitch McConnell, OF COURSE! His disdain for the truth, the cutthroat way he wields power in the Senate and Republican Party, and his obvious contempt for the first Black president of the United States was a master class of self-obsession in the midst of the second greatest recession this country has known!

While countless Americans were losing their homes, jobs and life savings, to say nothing of the imminent collapse of the American economy, Mitch showed up night after night on television determined to thwart President Obama’s efforts in this time of crisis at every turn. He never compromised, regardless of how the citizens suffered, because he was out to get his man whatever the cost!

Mitch McConnell had a dream and so do I! Neither of us were asleep at the hull! All of those angry, blue collar Americans, left devastated and adrift after the recession, needed someone to look up to. While Obama was kept busy fending off Mitch, and his Republican posse, I seized my chance. This was my kind of opportunity: just call me an opportunistic farmer ready to reap a harvest of discontent, division and self-pity.

World-wide pandemic? What is that to Mitch and me? Mitch will retire even wealthier for his wife’s ties to China and their successful business dealings with that country. My kids are running the family businesses – often traveling on the taxpayer’s dime, including bodyguards and security.

Oh, and Mel – I appreciate you are there for me, but I have important friends in high places. Foreign places! They like the way I do business. I like the way I do business. I like the way they and I do business. We do business together very well – probably better than anyone has ever done business before. We will continue to do business because my people are behind me – marching in lockstep, with their hands held high in salute just the way I like it.

The only way I will lose this election is if the voting system is rigged so only mail in and paper ballots are used – oh, and EVERY CITIZEN WILL NEED TO SUPPORT THE ELECTION PROCESS AND TURN OUT TO VOTE!

As they say in Russia: “Do svidaniya i udachi” – goodbye and good luck!

The President

Patricia Bonacic is a La Conner resident who misses the integrity and resilience of the Obama Administration. She finds this especially notable in light of the personal and political adversity faced by President Obama while in office.